tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16384607907015072982024-03-13T16:28:09.517-04:00The REL FilesMusings on my meanderingsArielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01550389381418281009noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-89999317162844576542020-05-11T20:39:00.001-04:002020-05-11T20:39:27.237-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 60- Trees.60 days of quarantine.<br />
So far.<br />
I asked my kids what has stood out to them in the last two months.<br />
7 year old has loved all the new books- he is reading SO MUCH.<br />
Almost 5 year old has enjoyed the snuggling, and the new shows.<br />
What has stood out to me are the trees and all the birds and animals I've seen around our house.<br />
<br />
"If you're breathing, it means you are alive."<br />
On this morning's work meeting call, a colleague led us through a meditation, and at one point said the above.<br />
It grounded me, which I needed.<br />
<br />
There's a blend quality to the last 60 days, it's hard to feel centered.<br />
All the known routines are gone.<br />
"Schooling" is loose and more organic than it's ever been. There are pros and cons to that.<br />
I wonder how they will reengage with school when it is back in session.<br />
I wonder when that will be.<br />
I hope it will be this fall.<br />
I hope we don't have more than another 60 days of this.<br />
<br />
I hope for a lot of things.<br />
I have questions about a lot of things.<br />
<br />
But I'm still breathing.<br />
And for that I'm grateful.<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-90145699684564170542020-04-20T10:20:00.000-04:002020-04-21T10:25:40.730-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 39- Patriots.<span style="font-size: large;">Today, in MA, is a holiday called Patriot's Day.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It commemorates key battles at the beginning of the American Revolutionary War.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Typically, the Boston Marathon happens on this holiday, aka Marathon Monday.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">That is not happening today, for obvious reasons.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Per dictionary.com, a patriot is "</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">a person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors".</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="color: #222222;">A lot of people are describing medical providers on the front lines of this pandemic right as heroes. This view, while admirable, is </span></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">problematic. They are doing their work in contexts equivocal to war times and needing to beg our government for protective gear. To. Help. Keep. Us. Safe.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">They are pleading with us to wash our hands correctly, wear masks, stay home and stay healthy.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Are they patriotic? </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">They are medical providers. Most of us are in this field to help people stay well, vigorously at times. So, perhaps they are, but it is also possible that they don't tie the care they give to this country, being more aware at this point of being part of more global community.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">There are groups of angry (white) people in states throughout in various parts of the country, protesting their right to go back to work, claiming either that the pandemic isn't real or even if it might be real, they have the right to go to work. They are protesting in groups, without masks, yelling. </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Their privilege and fear are palpable.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Are they <span style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34);">patriotic?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I bet they think they are very patriotic. They certainly feel threatened, of that there is no doubt. They feel their way of life is under siege. They feel they need to defend their rights. Their narrow and short view of the world and what they feel they need speaks volumes to what they have been conditioned to believe. </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">There are pictures circulating from Denver of nurses standing in the middle of streets in fronts of cars with angry unmasked protesters screaming at them.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34);">Are those nurses patriotic?</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I think they are pissed. And tired. And scared. And trying to do their incredibly hard jobs. </span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">All while being met with fear and ignorance.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I can't call the front line medical providers patriotic, because I think it is not a fair label. I can't call them heroes because that implies a pedestal that they have made clear they do not want to be on and it highlights the ongoing horrific imbalance between the expectations placed on the healthcare system and the lack of resources and support.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Patriotism is a limited and antiquated term that cannot <span style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34);">encompass the nuances of where our true battles are right now and what we truly need to protect.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;"><span style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34);">There are no patriots right now.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">There are survivors.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">There are helpers.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">There are front line workers in multiple fields.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">There are children whose live have imploded.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">There are scared loud ignorant people.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: times, times new roman, serif; font-size: large;">There are humans who are feeling the best and worst of humanity right now.</span><br />
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-34686553966614795442020-04-12T14:10:00.003-04:002020-04-12T14:29:55.605-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 31- Chrysalis.<span style="font-size: large;">It's been a month.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A month, 30 days (in our little corner of the world) since the schools closed, jobs stopped or changed and our realization started to shift from the abstract (that virus happening over there) to our new reality (it's already here and shaping our world in ways we cannot yet fully comprehend).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">A part of me can't believe it's already been a month.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The rest of me can feel every emotion, every gradual shift in my mind, every day my kids have missed their routines/friends/schools, and all the days I've not been able to see my patients in person.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I started this experience holding onto slivers of hope in the shape of reassurances that it would 'probably' 'only' 'maybe' be X number of weeks long. These slivers have morphed, stretched into thin threads of determination, optimism, lucidity, endurance, so much anger, strength and acceptance. These threads are SO thin, and their ends are frayed with fear, anxiety and at times panic.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But they are still there and I didn't know how strong these parts of me were, until now.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I've seen multiple articles about this being a 'great pause' (the 'great' implying significance; not positivity).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We are being forced to slow down and be with ourselves and families in ways that are not our normal.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For some this new space is dangerous or unsteady, their homes not being a safe place. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For some this might be an awakening, their awareness of healthcare racial inequality minimal at best before this all started.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For some, this is far from a pause, but some of the hardest days of their professional and personal lives, their jobs putting them in the thick of this pandemic.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For some, this pause seems unnecessary, feeling this is all a 'stunt', their minds unaccepting of what they cannot (or will not) see.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">For many there is loss. So much loss.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">For all of us, our world is changing.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We are in a chrysalis of chaos and uncertainty.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">How long we will be in here is unclear. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It will end. But what we all bring out with us when it does, is up to us.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We create our future.</span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-11087837768201454812020-04-08T13:24:00.003-04:002020-04-08T13:24:37.450-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 27- Necessary.<span style="font-size: large;">When I restarted writing on here, I had this fantasy of daily posts on here.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">In hindsight that was a lovely idea not based in this ever evolving reality.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The last few days have been hard. On top of J's job shift, one of my sibs got sick. He is better now, but I was worried.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">My anxiety has been primed over the last week. I've started seeing (virtually) a therapist again. Only one session in and I'm already aware of how helpful this will be. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We've come up with a pretty good daily schedule. Dare I say a groove was found?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Then this morning, G was having a really hard time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">He was just really sad. We didn't let him skip out on his class's zoom, a toy got wrecked after going through the wash, we couldn't go to a beloved toy store while doing a required errand and we set up a FaceTime met up for later that he wasn't feeling today.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">He needed time and space to be really sad, and cry it out.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I held him, and for the first few minutes, was feeling myself get amped about all the lost time from my allotted work time and all the stuff I needed to get done.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Then I stopped the brain spin, and took a deep breath and truly became present for my son. I even cried a little too.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We sat.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We breathed.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It was a necessary stop and regroup for both of us.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I still need to get that stuff done.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">'That stuff' will always be there.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">When he was feeling better, he let me know.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I let him know I was feeling better too.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">No grooved schedule today.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Just survival with all the needed tears and hugs.</span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-15630989543558076602020-04-02T20:53:00.001-04:002020-04-02T20:53:24.054-04:00Corona Quarantine: Days 20 and 21- Adjust, again.<span style="font-size: large;">I had this notion of this post being a 'behold what is working for us!' post when it came to the kids at home, and I will share that, another time. But today led to some dreaded changes that have led me (and my fam) to adjust again.</span><div>
<span style="font-size: large;">James and his team have been furloughed- so, essentially, laid off with their jobs waiting until things calm down. They will be eligible for unemployment but this was still a sad blow.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I was processing with a friend after I found out and was venting about an aspect of this pandemic that is hard for me to hold onto.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">It just keeps coming, the changes related to it. A most depressing domino chain, just slowly and surely knocking its way through our lives. It didn't all happen at once. It's been slowing chipping away at our lives, all while infusing us with fear of a serious illness.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I got home tonight and after the kids went to bed, sat at the dining room table and cried.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">I remembered seeing my Dad cry at our dining room table during the gulf war, right as things were ramping up.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">As things get more and more intense, in slow rushes that knock us down piece by piece, I can only hope that someday, when things start to improve, the elevations are the reverse- bringing us lighter and lighter moments until we can breathe easier again.</span></div>
Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-79682969402185641722020-03-31T18:10:00.003-04:002020-03-31T18:11:16.855-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 19- Magic.<span style="font-size: large;">Today was a really good day.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">We have found a groove with the kids with a loose schedule that works.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">They don't love it all the time (routines?!? Cleaning up!?!? Gross, mom) but they expectations were clear and that reassurance is helpful kids... and adults.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">My work call this morning did not stress me out.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The kids and I had a great adventure outside today while J had to work earlier today.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Watching their imagination run free right now is breathtaking.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I just now got some work stuff done, and again did not feel stressed by it. A nice change.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I don't think it is a coincidence that it was a good day and I also did not spend much time on social media.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Need to remember that.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Also, sunshine is truly magical.</span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-60131291608711798192020-03-30T21:25:00.000-04:002020-03-30T21:25:37.198-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 18- Waves of fear; puddles of joy<span style="font-size: large;">One of the parts of this whole experience that messes with me the most is at the core of it is the greatest of mind fucks.</span><div>
<span style="font-size: large;">We are all experiencing this trauma/grief cycle/process but to help stay safe- we can't physically be with each other. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">We are companions in isolation.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">Our human love and connections are restricted to screens and distances.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">At my lower moments over the last almost three weeks, the waves of panic and fear feel like they will take me up whole. What will this do our relationships? Our kids' relationships? Future physical contact?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">At the better moments, I'll jump into a puddle of joy with a moment on the phone with a friend, or after a magical time with my family at home. The kids are having amazing adventures in imaginative play. We are having so much family time (which is great and also exhausting).</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;">The joy and hope feel very small these days and the uncertainty and worry feel so big. But they are still there, though small feeling...:)</span></div>
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Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-54748024371912217372020-03-28T16:49:00.001-04:002020-03-28T16:49:50.079-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 15 and 16- Anger.Yesterday was Friday- I was home but working. I had two work conference call meetings.<br />
They exhausted me.<br />
My colleagues and I are trying to maintain a team while completely disjointed into separate groups working different days and shifts.<br />
Trying to get everyone on the same page through screens is fucking challenging and exhausting.<br />
We are all learning new ways of doing things and trying to stay on top of the changes as they happen.<br />
There is anger, confusion, worry.<br />
<br />
Today, J and I decided on some more clear differentiations between the 'week' and the 'weekend' for the kids. One of them being no iPads on the weekend days.<br />
The kids were pissed about that.<br />
<br />
I feel like baseline these days I am one bad moment away from a breakdown.<br />
Sometimes I just want to scream and throw things.<br />
I wish things were clearer at work.<br />
I'm so mad this happening.<br />
I'm so scared and so so so angry.<br />
<br />
I've been so anxious about not being able to find toilet paper- our stores have been out. J got some yesterday. It didn't help me feel less anxious. Damn toilet paper.<br />
<br />
This <a href="https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?fbclid=IwAR2IVu46m3cvJA0XnYw5ATNAu-5Y6Muoxq4XSJM5MfAgo29kXSwHwlPoqkY">article</a> sums up the feelings we are all having right now. Having lived with anxiety throughout my life, the term anticipatory grief was new to me. But so accurate.<br />
<br />
This is temporary, though it does not feel like that now.<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-61036946870961614442020-03-26T21:54:00.001-04:002020-03-26T21:54:08.818-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 14- Silent.<span style="font-size: large;">I was talking with my aunt last night about the increase of work and the announcement from the governor yesterday about schools staying closed until at least May.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">At one point she said, "But keep in mind, there aren't any bombs!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">She was referring to the time in our lives when we lived in Israel during the first gulf war (1990). </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We were out of school for 6 weeks.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There were explosions at night (I can't remember how frequent, but not rare. Enough to establish a life long trigger hate for fireworks, among other big sounds).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I do remember being home; I don't remember being home that long. And I do remember being scared. All the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I'm scared or worried a lot of the time now. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It's true, there are no bombs overhead. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But truth be told, I think this is worse.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">You know what to expect with bombs- you can see/hear them and their impact.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">This pandemic virus is invisible until it is not. It is silent and sneaky and can be lethal and it thrives in ways we are still learning, while trying to fight it.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There is no warning whistle as it comes for you and it doesn't always (in fact rarely) comes from the same place. The bombs always came down from the sky. This is everywhere...or at least feels like it could be everywhere.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Yes, I do think this is worse than bombs.</span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-14570843386056929252020-03-25T22:01:00.003-04:002020-03-25T22:01:44.573-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 13- Adjust.Today was a busy day at work.<br />
LOTS of calling, emailing, supporting of students.<br />
Also saw a couple people for testing as well.<br />
Our leadership team has set up thorough tracking for the cases in our communities, but this new system requires a steep and fast learning curve, and lots of checking in on our current patients.<br />
<br />
Then at the end of the day, Gov Baker announced the extension of school closures till 5/4/2020.<br />
This news, if I'm being honest, was not a complete surprise, but it still took my breath away for a second. James and I checked in tonight and will plan to share the weeks as we can. We told the kids over dinner there were going be more weeks at home than we planned and that we still need to stay home to stay healthy.<br />
<br />
All of this, every day, requires adjusting. All the time.<br />
It's hard to keep everything clear as the data and plans evolve as we get more data.<br />
And then the plans needs to change again.<br />
<br />
It's like we are surfing on a surfboard that we are constructing as we ride it.<br />
These waves are rough right now.<br />
<br />
I am not sure if I should be hopeful about the May return to school date. Many other states have cancelled the rest of the year already.<br />
<br />
May the fourth be with us all.<br />
<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-28761457361802660012020-03-24T20:39:00.001-04:002020-03-24T20:39:15.323-04:00Corona Quarantine: Days 11 and 12- Technology.In the space of almost 2 weeks the need for contact beyond what we were using changed drastically.<br />
In my job, this has shifted to telemedicine.<br />
<br />
At home, my kids now main access point to schooling info and social contexts are all online.<br />
<br />
My kids went from minimal screen time to having their own iPads and multiple playdates on video messengers and activities from their teachers online.<br />
<br />
I am trying hard to not get overwhelmed, but it already feels hard to keep up.<br />
<br />
As parents who were easing into screen/tablet time with our kids, it feels like we just jumped in the deep end of the learning and experience curve pool.<br />
<br />
I don't want to deprive my kids of these needed connections, or skills, it's just hard that it came on so abruptly.<br />
<br />
And yes, I do realize the privileged components of this post. Within the context of this incredibly hard experience, we are all being pushed out of spaces we were not expecting to. In the long one, this one will likely be less of an issue than others.Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-68942895009540404862020-03-22T17:40:00.001-04:002020-03-22T17:40:08.884-04:00Corona Quarantine: Days 9 and 10- Breathe.I just texted some friends the following question-<br />
"Anyone else's Sunday feeling like their about three minutes from a nervous breakdown?"<br />
<br />
James went to our local Trader Joe's this morning and was met with new criteria- 2 max per item per person, limited number of people in the store at a time.<br />
<br />
He came home and told me about this and I could feel the panic creeping up my throat.<br />
<br />
Every day. Every component of every day is being impacted by this.<br />
<br />
And the data changes every day.<br />
<br />
And my kids are frustrated and want to be at school and see their friends.<br />
<br />
And the news is getting worse.<br />
<br />
And people are not staying home as they need to.<br />
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And there is epically poor leadership in areas where we need it so desperately.<br />
<br />
And my job has shifted in how I can can help people and I feel deeply inadequate.<br />
<br />
And I have to remember to breathe.<br />
<br />
One of the friends I texted called me and we talked it out a bit.<br />
Sometimes just stating the obvious together , while it can't change it, makes it a little easier to breathe.<br />
<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-38958027447956095292020-03-20T18:46:00.002-04:002020-03-20T18:49:42.505-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 8- Sunshine.<span style="font-size: large;">I was back at work today.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">It was a top heavy day- very quiet for the majority of the day, then very busy at the end of the day. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Even in a pandemic, the Friday afternoon rush is still real.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I have had many check ins through the week- calls, texts, smiles, virtual hugs. It's been great.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">There have been so many jokes online about introverts preparing for the staying home part of this pandemic. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I have to say it has not been easy for extroverts... or at least this extrovert.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I was trying to explain it to somebody this week.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Other people are my sunshine. I bask in their energy and thrive on interaction.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">That has been a big part of my love of my job- hanging out with humans:)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Every communication from friends, family and framily has been incredible for my soul.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">In many ways, this pandemic has thrown us all into a sieve and is shaking us to our cores. What is left is our humanity, in all its forms. The beautiful, the frightening, the real. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I can only hope the connections that are feeling stronger now continue beyond this terrifying time.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There is no 'back to normal' after this.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There will be a new normal that we all have to create together.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">After the current storm.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">One day at time.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-44634075854085608942020-03-19T18:59:00.000-04:002020-03-21T11:34:32.088-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 7- Gray.<span style="font-size: large;">Wet, raw rainy day here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">We successfully got the kids out for some exercise (scooters! woohoo!) while it was raining.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I was home today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">It's been a long day.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">I successfully stayed off of most social media today and feel less crazed in my anxiety.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">Not much else for today:)</span><br />
<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-76164351676968009052020-03-18T13:00:00.000-04:002020-03-18T13:46:24.122-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 5 and Day 6- Weight.<span style="font-size: large;">Our mornings at home are getting slower.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Currently I am the only one who needs to leave in the morning.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The mad rush to be up and out of bed by 6am has shifted to slow stumbling around 6:30am.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">My commute is the lightest it's ever been. It's eerie. And fast.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">And at the same time the days seem heavier.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">The weight of what we are dealing with seems to becoming louder.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">A number of people I've checked in with over the last two days are feeling more sadness, worry, fear. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Yesterday at work, I physically saw only 2 patients, but connected with over 15 via phone or messages around their health needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">There were so many 'thank you's' from them.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I don't know how to take that. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I don't turn off being a provider because of all of this, or when I am home. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">If anything, I am more aware of this part of my life as health needs, outside of the acuity of what is going, have not disappeared. There is more worry for patients around the smaller things they might need help with but are scared to come to the clinic for care.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The weight of possible impact on my kids is creeping in as anxious fear. It's one thing for me not to be able to see my friends. It's another for my kids to not see their people. Not hug them or play directly. I was talking with one of my closest friends about this last night. We both started crying. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We know, we KNOW, this is not permanent. But the current state of fear and uncertainty is not something we can hide from our kids. We have to protect them and care for them, and ourselves at the same time. It felt very big and empty last night.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">I got home from work yesterday and curled up on the couch for a few minutes (Yes, those are boob pillows).</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">I held the weight I was feeling. I breathed through it. I exhaled some of my anxiety. I got up. And then I went outside and played with my children.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-4410586790318225512020-03-16T20:29:00.000-04:002020-03-16T20:29:35.212-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 4- Living and learning.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: large;">Today was the first Monday of home days for a while that are not regular home days aka the weekend. We set up a 'schedule'. It's meant to be a guide for the day that is clear but not rigid. The post-its are ideas/suggestions for that day, but not requirements. James is home with the kiddos this week. They did a FaceTime science class with some friends about amphibian eggs. They even did most of the post-its! We expect their days to evolve as this situation evolves. We've been purposeful in involving them in the ideas for projects and also maintaining clear expectations around care and cleaning through the day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">And I was back at work today. I was kind of nervous- I wasn't sure what to expect. Like most clinical settings right now, a lot is in flux. There are still a few hundred students on campus. Our amazing nursing staff figured out a good triage process that I think works pretty well. We all talked about doing more Telehealth/Telemedicine/phone triage, especially for those of us who might need to be home for family care. I have to admit that up until very recently, I was not the biggest fan of telemedicine models. I was a bit of a snob...an ableist snob about it to be frank. Then this all happened and it has changes how we need to engage with our patients. All I did today was email and calls with patients and it was really productive and helpful and I am glad to realize I was wrong about these forms of medical communication.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">The pic below is from my lunch time walk on the now very quiet campus.</span></div>
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<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-13325257924036892762020-03-15T17:51:00.002-04:002020-03-15T18:11:45.397-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 3- Care.Today felt, for the most part, like a typical Sunday.<br />
It is our regular grocery shopping day.<br />
James went to our local Trader Joe's and checked in with the staff there.<br />
They were doing OK- it's been hard for them- trying to keep things in stock, keeping up with lines of worried humans outside the door.<br />
J thanked them for being there. We're not sure how else to show our appreciation. Baking them goodies seems like a weird thing right now to offer. Also, no hugs or high fives.<br />
<br />
I'll be at work tomorrow. Ready to feel more helpful. I can't turn off being a provider knowing there is so much in flux with the students right now. Doing what I can remotely.<br />
<br />
This afternoon, I read about the high number of deaths in Italy over the course of one day.<br />
I need to find a way to stay informed and not over do it/get overwhelmed. I can feel how it directly impacts my anxiety.<br />
<br />
Then, about an hour later, the kids were playing outside and Caleb fell off a swing onto his face.<br />
There were about 4 minutes of stomach dropping worry as I cleaned him off to assess the severity of his injuries.<br />
They were gloriously minor. Mainly dirt in his nose and mouth.<br />
As I sat with him, watching him gargle and spit water out to get all the dirt out of his mouth, I realized how important it is right now to not go to hospitals unless absolutely necessary.<br />
<br />
Our world is evolving very quickly, with great uncertainty, as we live in it. It's hard to feel steady.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-81337918306881053712020-03-14T20:56:00.001-04:002020-03-14T20:58:49.801-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 2- Waves.I've been reading more and more about the need for social isolation.<br />
As a med provider, I totally get it (but also fear most people won't take it seriously and wonder if it actually work).<br />
As an extrovert, I'm freaking out (but also am going to try to find other ways to stay connected. Like restarting this blog).<br />
As a parent, I'm on edge and worried about my kids' friendships and learning (but also know they will be OK).<br />
<br />
We did regular Saturday stuff today- took trash to the dump, played, did art projects, watched some TV. We face timed with some friends (no playdates for the foreseeable future).<br />
<br />
In the background, all day, there was the hum of my anxiety. Mostly it was soft and manageable. But then it would rise and rush over me, like an acidic wave. And then I would start reading more about the state of this pandemic and, well, that didn't help.<br />
<br />
Self care is going to be vital these next few days/weeks/please not months.<br />
This will mean connecting with people that support and care and empower.<br />
It will mean being very mindful of social media and news consumption.<br />
It will mean keeping the kids days as steady as we can. A guided schedule that is not too loose or too rigid.<br />
<br />
A parenting post about this said that our kids won't remember the virus, but the days at home and our presence in them.<br />
Holding space for them and myself (and my patients) is a lot to hold.<br />
<br />
Lot of waves of emotion today, with very few answers. For now.<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-22598680685294492022020-03-13T20:42:00.000-04:002020-03-14T20:42:46.452-04:00Corona Quarantine: Day 1- Stay home to stay healthy.In the midst of a busy day at the clinic yesterday, I found out what I had been dreading/expecting- that G's school was closing. For at least a week. Likely longer.<br />
I let my supervisor know and made it through the rest of the day with half a brain at work and half a brain freaking out about the state of things.<br />
<br />
The kids were excited last night when I told them about the 'many home days' they were getting.<br />
They heard about 'Corona' but didn't know what it was.<br />
We talked about needing to not be around a lot of people to help everyone stay healthy.<br />
<br />
This morning we ran errands.<br />
First we went to the supermarket. As expected it was full and empty at the same time. People were commiserating in the aisles about how crazy this all was.<br />
The lines at the registers were long and crowded. I ended up in line behind another mother with young ones. We engaged in light chatting while my two sat on the floor with their new magazines and waited. The mother commented that this would be an ideal time for someone to kidnap a child. I didn't know what to say and was grateful my kids didn't hear her say that. I made sure both her kiddos and mine were nearby as we made it through the line. She thanked me for my help.<br />
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Tonight we found out that Boston schools will be closing till the end of April.<br />
I have no idea what this is going to look like moving forward and that really scares me.<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-69372953459795955752020-03-06T20:32:00.000-05:002020-03-21T11:35:57.161-04:0040 for real (plus 1)Last week I turned 41. It was a good birthday, a prime number.<br />
For reasons that will be clear in future posts, I decided recently to dust this blog off and re-engage.<br />
I found the draft for the post below from last year.<br />
The message still applies, especially in light of the current pandemic.<br />
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****************************************************************************<br />
So, today I turn 40.<br />
<br />
In the last few weeks leading up to this momentous occasion, I kept thinking about my 30th birthday. That birthday landed on a clinical day while I was in the throes nursing school.<br />
A beloved aunt had died a couple months prior from cancer.<br />
<br />
My clinical rotation that semester was on a gynecological oncology floor. I'd been clear with my instructor that because of my aunt's death, I didn't want the palliative cases on that floor- it was just too much for me. She understood.<br />
My patient that day, my birthday, was 40, just 10 years older than me, with a heavy diagnosis that was sitting on her soul (are they ever light, though?).<br />
She was clearly in shock, mourning, depressed, angry and mostly nonverbal. All of these feelings/spaces are understandable.<br />
I went home that night and, before my birthday party, cried for her. She was just 40! So young! So close to my age!<br />
<br />
Here I am. 'Just' 40.<br />
Looking back over the last 10 years from that birthday (and before!), and all the life I've experienced in that time, I realize there is no 'just' anything.<br />
I'm not 'just' a mom, or 'just' a nurse practitioner. Or 'just' a movie geek, proud wife to an equally geeky hubby.<br />
I am a gloriously ridiculous complex human. Like you. You are not just a 'just'.<br />
<br />
I appreciate more and more the absolute random chaos of this world we experience.<br />
I am struck by the significance of having your chosen people around you to help surf the waves of crazy that we all have to overcome.<br />
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<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-62432127289035737222015-09-04T20:28:00.000-04:002015-09-04T20:35:18.395-04:00Dr Jekyll and Mr BabyDearest Baby C,<br />
<br />
My little love, these days have been hard.<br />
<br />
You are showing us other sides of babyhood that we didn't experience with your brother.<br />
I'd heard stories about colic and what it was like for my parents when I had it. It didn't prepare me in the slightest for when the pattern emerged in your crying. I've been told that chronic crying/colic/fussy baby time should not be underestimated. I didn't realize what that meant until now, how utterly humbling it could be.<br />
<br />
My god, can you cry. Even in the midst of some of the worst moments, I can sometimes slip into clinician mode and think 'damn, this kid's lung volume is amazing'. Sometimes in those moments I can reassure myself that it will be OK even though I don't know when that will be. Sometimes you cry until your worn out enough to sleep and I watch you. And I can find, beyond my own frustration and fatigue, some compassion and realize how crazy this must all be for you. There are many thoughts on what this crying is caused by. For you it is clearly a combination of end of day over-stimulation and food sensitivities. What your new world must seem like- so much to take in!<br />
<br />
And that loving, in your face, touching you all the time sometimes not gently new big brother of yours! He just wants to love you and play with you so much and can't handle your cuteness.<br />
Well, none of us can. You are cute.<br />
Even at three AM when you've just nursed and I am eager to put you back to bed so I can hopefully get just a little more sleep and you give me a smile.<br />
Well played, dude, really.<br />
<br />
These days have been hard. And they probably will be for a while more. But they are temporary and someday will be a 'remember when' story.<br />
Onward.<br />
Love,<br />
Momma<br />
<br />
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<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-24322773338208773122015-08-22T12:53:00.000-04:002015-08-22T13:00:38.031-04:00The hard and the wonderfulIt is hilarious to me to realize that this is the first time on this blog I am talking about the newest member of our family.<br />
It is particularly amusing to me to realize that I didn't chronicle the pregnancy at all on here, unlike G's pregnancy:)<br />
But here we are, now a family of four.<br />
Our son Caleb arrived just over a month ago, roaring as he entered the world. Fitting- he's a Cancer/Leo cusp.<br />
<br />
It has not been an easy month. It has not been a bad one either.<br />
<br />
Newborn land the first time around is hard- very jarring, seemingly endless and new.<br />
<br />
Newborn land the second time around with another kiddo to track is hard too. The new level of exhaustion to survive and then helping the toddler navigate this momentous change on top of everything else can, on the bad days, bring you to your knees.<br />
<br />
It's also amazing. Already I see profound similarities and differences between my two boys and it's delightful. Watching Gabe try to explain his toys to Caleb makes my heart hurt in the best way. I can't wait to see what it will be like when Caleb can actually interact with Gabe.<br />
<br />
It's going to be a while before things feel more leveled out. But we will get there. In the meantime, we will continue to live in the moment, day by day, nap, laugh, cry, eat chocolate, drink wine and take care of each other.<br />
<br />
<br />Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-37422298810987889292014-10-10T06:00:00.000-04:002014-10-10T06:16:24.517-04:00Anniversary the fourthAs this, our fourth wedding anniversary, got closer and closer I found myself thinking a lot about boats.<br />
Like the expression 'we're in the same boat'. Implying that someone is going through something you are going through as well. Or, 'don't rock the boat'. That one is pretty self explanatory. And, 'weathering the storm'. That one isn't specific to boats but you get the idea.<br />
<br />
Marriage is its own boat. You and your partner are together in this shared space, working to keep what you've created afloat, moving and upright.<br />
Sometimes the boat isn't moving because you are both working on your own things.<br />
Sometimes your paddling in unison so beautifully that it's like you are flying together across the water/life and you can't imagine it being any other way besides harmonious. <br />
Sometimes the surrounding storm can feel so utterly overwhelming and terrifying that you are not sure your boat will make it as you both try to stay present and safe.<br />
And then there are the times when you are on two boats, side by side, tethered to each other but not much more connected than that.<br />
<br />
As I look back over the last year, I can say without question that it was one of the hardest years for us since we've been together. We've had to face multiple challenges that have humbled us deeply.<br />
While we never lost sight of each other, that tether between our boats got very long before we pulled back to each other. And that distance, once acknowledged, was scary to both of us.<br />
In a way, though, it showed us just how strong our connection is, not to mention our commitment to each other. <br />
<br />
The challenges aren't resolved, but we are making changes that will allow us to think forward again. Together.<br />
In the same boat.Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-12616586504478960412014-07-12T07:37:00.002-04:002014-07-12T07:37:49.614-04:00Little light.Gabe woke up whimpering around 4:30am.<br />
He's teething and seems to now also have a cold. James cuddled with him till about 5:15, and gave him some Tylenol. I crawled out of bed then (it's J's day to sleep in) and took Gabe downstairs.<br />
After breakfast and an early viewing of Blue's Clues, we went to play in the living room.<br />
He was a tired, snotty, unhappy little dude.<br />
He curled up on my lap and leaned on my chest.<br />
We listened to Bobby McFerrin tell us <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-diB65scQU">not to worry</a> and as I softly sang along, Gabe fell asleep in my arms.<br />
I was so tired (whose idea was it to stay up late watching a crap movie, anyway?), had to pee, was already fantasizing about a nap later and also wanted to freeze this moment forever.<br />
As I sat there holding him it struck me that this is it.<br />
This is love. This is parenting. It's that sweet moment that may be the product of unpleasant circumstances. It's holding a firefly for a second, catching the light and letting it go again, not sure when you will see it again.<br />
I know families whose moments of light come from far darker circumstances of illness (physical and mental), hospitalizations, financial hardship and so on.<br />
And at the same time, hard is not relative; hard is hard.<br />
We are all moving through our own rhythms with our own challenges, life stresses, painful gums, and early mornings.<br />
And today I am grateful for the moment of comfort I could give Gabe and in turn the solace it gave me.Ariel Whttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00662207413370294171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1638460790701507298.post-42775188341920914182014-06-08T16:11:00.001-04:002014-06-08T16:11:39.672-04:00My first (embrassingly short but very important) training ride!Hello!<br />
<br />
As I shared in my previous post, I am doing the <a href="http://www.harbortothebay.org/profile/awatriss/">harbor to the bay</a> ride this September. I've decided that I am going to do said ride on my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recumbent_bicycle">recumbent bike</a>. The last time I was on my recumbent was 2 years ago... come to think of it, that was the last time I was on ANY bike. Yikes. Back then I had not done a lot of riding on the recumbent so even then it was novel. Now it seems like I am learning to ride again for the first time.<br />
<br />
So, I took my bike out today and got reacquainted. It felt so different than an upright! I found myself getting really thrown by the lower center of gravity, not to mention the utterly alien (yet very comfortable) reclining position. But then I took a deep breath and pushed off and... It. Felt. Awesome. I went for while and then stopped (still working on doing that gracefully) and was amazed at how comfortable I felt riding. No pressure on my arms/hands, lower back felt good.<br />
<br />
I started to head back and lost my balance. I gloriously wiped out and landed mainly on my left palm and lower leg.<br />
I got up, and rode off into the (not at all setting, freakishly hot) sun with a stinging scraped palm and leg and a huge grin.<br />
<br />
Falls are always scariest before they happen, in abstract, wondering if they will happen. I am glad I already got one under my belt, and am sure there will be others as I get more used to this awesome new way of biking.<br />
<br />
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