"The only safe thing is to take a chance." - Elaine May

So, first an update. My 'first nursing job woohoo!!' didn't pan out. If I am totally honest about it, I took the job out of fear and desperation, but it truly wasn't the best fit for me. For one thing- the job was far away and required a car which I don't have ( I was borrowing one from my aunt and uncle), and public transport doesn't get there. Second, the job was as a float nurse, which meant I was very rarely in the same place every week. This type of job might appeal to some, but for me it was an added stressor. It meant that I had to get used to multiple sites ways of doing things, and more specifically, multiple providers. I am the kind of person who learns from (among other things) repetition of routine/task, and having to relearn what each provider wanted over and over again was rough. And third, I have been having some back pain issues, and I needed to take some time to see to it.

So, I quit. My supervisor was amazingly cool about it, and things were left on good terms. Still, I felt like a professional loser (who quits after a mere month, I mean come on), and have tried my hardest since then to not look back in regret.

In the meantime, I have had more free time again. This time, though, I was glad for it. I say 'this time' because when my summer break first started, the idea of free time meant I wasn't doing whatever I should have been doing. I was, admittedly, equating said free time what I was failing at (fill in the blank). It took a few...OK, many conversations with James for me to realize that the pace/expectation I was holding myself to was from one helluva crazy semester that was probably the most imbalanced my life has ever been (and, also lead to my current back issue).

OK, so here I am. Actually appreciating my free time in a guilt free sort of way...most of the time. It has given me time to take care of my amazing partner, to be his support while he works full time these days. Those that grew up with me (I was known as the 'noncook' in our family) would be shocked to know that I am cooking a lot these days. Shit, I'm actually looking up recipes!!

It has also given me time to clear up my work space at home. I have a long work bench that I use as my base for work/drawing/studying/computering. Over the last few monthes it has become the ultimate crap catcher. Considering that it is 2 ft x 8 ft, that is a lotta crap. So, today, I started clearing it off and re-designating areas of it for different activities. One half will be for art only. The other for more administrative stuff. I found a number of items that I couldn't understand/remember why I still had them. Then I found my box of flashcards. This shoebox is FULL (literally full) of flashcards I have made over the last 6 years or so. The collection started when I was in a post baccalaureate pre med program and continued through the last 2 years of nursing school (after realizing med school wasn't for me). I have always been proud of my study skills, and was known in the pre med program as the flash card queen. I have been so proud that I have not thrown out any of the flashcards I've made. It was like my own physical manifestation, my source of power, of what I have accomplished and how much I work I was willing to do towards my goal.

But the rational follow up question is- "So have you used the cards since whatever exam you made them for?"

Nope. Not once.

I have just moved them over and over again.

When I found them today, I was in the midst of being very honest about what I want in my work space and was feeling very excited about not holding onto stuff that is no longer useful. It was then I realized that the cards had reached the end of their time with me.

I looked through the box one more time, tickled by my own acronyms and codes to remember things. I then realized that I needed the cards to help me get to where I am today and that I need to move them along to create more space for future endeavors.

I also realized that I need to also look forward with my job search ( which I have been actively involved in and have some promising leads), and that holding onto the frustration/self directed guilt/regret about the job that I didn't really like in the first place is really not helping me out.

So, fair thee well, flashcards, you have served me well, have fun being recycled. And thanks for the life reminder about letting stuff go...guess I needed the reminder.