Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Babycrack on the brain

Last night I had one of the most powerful dreams I've had. Ever. It was powerful because it felt SO REAL. What was happening felt like it was really occurring at the time (yes, very much like 'Inception'). So much so that when I woke up and realized it wasn't real, I was crushed.

You see, in the dream I was taking care of our newborn baby. It was hard and real and totally awesome, the baby was very cute and had a great head of hair. After getting over the initial shock when I woke up and realized it wasn't real, I had to appreciate the funny side of this whole dream thing.

My name is Ariel and I am a babycrack addict.

The term is not my own but the phenomenon is one I definitely experience. Over the past couple years, I knew it was there in the background, this strong desire to have a baby, but I was able to overlook it and distract myself. Then, a few months ago, my brother called to share the exciting happy news that he and his wife were expecting their first kiddo. It was a surreal moment for me- I was really, truly happy for them... and jealous. I wanted to be there too! NOW. The conflicting emotions were overwhelming. I called my aunt later that night (who, bless her mothering heart, was waiting for my call), trying to pull myself together, asking her why I was having such a hard time with the news even though I was excited for them. She replied, "because you are ready".

The thing is that James and I have a plan- a loose timeline for when that whole adventure will start. It's not like we haven't discussed it (and wow have we ever- I think the conversations feed... I mean help my addiction) and haven't thought about how and when to approach it.

It's just that my brain seems to have a mind of its own (see what I did there? I'm hilarious) and last night wanted to remind me of just how much I want to be a mom and have a family with James.

As I sit here typing this, literally yearning for a baby that doesn't exist yet, I also know that this is one of those areas in life where we really don't know what to expect. While I am aware of certain possible medical challenges (a blog post for another time), overall there aren't any huge hurdles I can foresee. That doesn't mean there won't be any. Nor does it mean it will be a hard process. The point is, I have no idea how this will go. I know some folks that started thinking about actively trying and BLAM! Pregnant. (BLAM is the actual sound the sperm makes when it hits the ovary:)) I know other folks, a same sex couple, that did multiple rounds of IVF before getting pregnant.

Bottom line- this will happen when it happens. In the meantime, I will do my best to keep my addiction at bay, thoroughly enjoy the 'just us' time I have with James, and dream. But if you catch me sniffing your baby- I'll apologize now. Some things can't be helped:)

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